日子

那年我的年輕爸爸過世，家人傷心流淚，我哭不出來，親戚感嘆爸生了個不孝子。我還小，只有怒火。第一次感受生命結束后要面對的媚俗情景。這是對死人的不敬。我是在這樣的認知中成長。

那年我口中念念有詞，死者家屬聼不到聼不懂也聼不進去，只有在繞棺材時跟著念，這是對死人的不敬嗎？我無暇理會。任何葬禮也不過一場儀式。我開始思考如何給自己設計葬禮，既然媚俗就要媚俗到底。

那年我飛馳在公路上，生命總是在隙縫中與死神擦身而過，那種快感無法用媚俗加以形容。這是對生命的禮贊，活死人無法明瞭。佛家三步一拜，我三秒一叩，生死一瞬間。

那年我半邊臉不能動，半邊官能失效。家人擔心我，我更擔心家人，擔心家人北上把我拉回家。官能失效不好受，回家養病更難受。我常想，菩提就在此間不在彼岸。一個不小心瓜掉，我只想做個孤魂。

同年，一位朋友帶來一曡New Age CD，告訴我音樂有治療作用。很快地，朋友各有建議。我開始明瞭理想圈子的朋友，面對生死各個信仰迥異。我就這樣徘徊在與諸神共飲的歡愉和病情的難受間，難得享受。

那天，那年用一輛老摩哆載我入院的好友去國了。好友的經歷不簡單，這一去國，也許又是此間異鄉人生命的另一番蛻變。

那天，毅然飛車拜會相隔8年不見的知己。那年知己的眼眶容易紅，也容易發笑。那天，還是一樣。

那天，同年同月同日生的同鄉好友結婚了。婚宴上，我暗自盤算自己的日子。

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Thanks for visiting me at my home town, sorry for not playing a good host to show you around for your very first time here.

It's always best to get around with friends, especially when the wave length still just about the same ...

As we grew older, reality started to put stress on us even more, how much we will be able to retain our "inner self" without very much adjusted to suit this cruel world around us?

I am glad E and C did it, I really admire those who will fight for their dreams, not to be influenced by surroundings, and still get head on with whatever they had in their mind of their life.

Too much consideration shall pull you back from whatever you are about to undertake, in addition to it, weak desires gets faded away pretty fast.

It's hard for me to decide on things, firstly, I am not brave enough to dream of what I want out of life.

To me, live simply perhaps is the best. No need to be too elaborate, but with no worries about financial issue. I am not good with my money management. I am good in maths, but I get lost in matters concerning money. I tried to provide my parents with money as good as I could, because I think that's the second best thing I could keep them happy and contented. The best comfort is something I sometimes forgot. My temper is not well-controlled.

I place contentment with thoughts very highly, to me, the mind is more important than anything else. I chose to live my life with no regrets ( but at times, I fail to make myself happy when I tried to make others happy ), to live with clear conscience, I had always been and shall always be. Thus, moral values always affect my decision in all aspect. Sometimes, provided me with better solution, but sometimes it surely does added some unwanted, or maybe some unnecessary pointers in the process.

Choice, is not easy to make.

Thanks to Harry Potter that, after reading the 6th book of it, I told myself I can actually squeeze some time into my daily routine and read. I read in the morning in my car, few minutes before I go into my office. I read in the washroom,... etc. It makes me feel better, at least I felt I had some control over time that I still get to read :)